Today was rough. As shallow as it seems one of my biggest concerns was losing my hair – which first of, let’s just discuss how you only lose the hair on your hair …it’s not like a free laser hair removal all over your body treatment. Don’t worry I let the doctors know they should work on that.
I’ve been trying to get things set up before I start losing my hair. I wanted to get it cut short, find a wig I like, grab a scarf – I wanted everything taken care of so when it starts happening I can just break.
So today I got a call that the wig people would be down. It became real. This whole diagnosis and treatment plan has felt like it’s for someone else. I keep waiting to wake up and realize I fell asleep with the Hallmark channel on – it just hasn’t seemed real. The pain of being stuck with needles is real – but the idea that I have this cancer in my blood does not seem real. After all, I feel fine.
The wig people made it real. They were nice, and sweet and helped me pick out the most rock star wig possible (a tinge of red and blonde and shaggy enough to rock it on ANY stage). When they walked in I cried, I didn’t want to have to really think about having to wear a wig at some point. I mean sure, I love wigs and dressing up like other people, but you’re always able to take them off and let your hair fall down – I won’t have that ability for a while. The wig is my new red lipstick, it’s what will help push me through the days where it’s a little too much.
After the wig, people left the hairdresser came. I had decided after getting my diagnosis I wanted to cut my hair off before it started to fall out, not buzz it off but into a cute pixie – I figured I’d give myself time to get used to the whole lack of hair.
She was amazing. She talked to me like a normal person, didn’t let me see how much hair was falling and told me how beautiful I was. I didn’t cry, I really thought I was going to cry. She distracted me and continued to reassure me I had the face to pull it off.
I felt lighter. It was a step I could control. The final hair loss isn’t something I get to choose but I can strut a fun hair cut before hand that’s in my control. And if I can have a fun wig, scarf – super awesome makeup – that works for me. Because when you’re fighting a battle where you have to do what everyone tells you to do any amount of control you can grab at helps to make you feel a little like normal.
And normal is all I want.