They offer reiki for free every Tuesday and Thursday here on this floor. Apparently, they think having cancer makes you stressed.

Anyway, I don’t really understand how reiki works but I like warm healing hands and positive vibes so I signed up. The second the lady put her hands on my body I turned to mush, it was awesome. With every hand placement, it was like the stress was melting off my body, sinking into the bed, and leaving me. Then she got to my lower left leg.

9078e08d2153c4703d57f7522c32753a-poison-ivy-batmanShe put her hand there and I cried. I don’t know if it was her hand placement or how relaxed I was but it just hit me.

Shit, I have cancer.

This whole process – though 20 days in now (crazy right? It doesn’t feel like I’ve been here for 20 days. Which we’ve now reached the point where I’ve been in the hospital for the same length as my apartment) – has been about treatments and getting better and focusing on the solution.

Which is how I operate, and why I’m so dang good at what I do. I see a problem, create a solution and focus on that. The problem is just a blip, the real focus goes into solving it and making it better.

So I’ve been focused on that. Treatments are going well, my health is good otherwise, all the solution/treatment/plan side of things. I haven’t had a second to be like – oh so cancer, that’s why I’m here.

Sure there are days I feel like shit, luckily they have been far and few between, but overall I don’t feel sick. I don’t think I look sick. So it’s been hard to accept there is this awful toxic disease inside me that’s trying to kill me (I kind of picture it to be like battling poison ivy when she’s crazy).

But when that woman touched me it just got real. It hit me.

It’s okay to be scared, and have days when I need to cry because this is life changing scary. Cancer is terrifying. And the touch making me realize, oh fuck I have cancer, made it okay to be scared. I feel like I’ve had to put on a brave face and be strong, and some days I just want to be a little scared.

Scared not because I’m thinking the worse, but scared because I don’t know what’s next in my life anymore. This is changing more than just my health, and it’s terrifying.

Moment of Realization: Holy Fuck, I Have Cancer

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