So I’m bad at self-pity. I’m bad at letting myself realize what I’m going through it tough and it’s okay to feel sucky, or angry, or want to yell “THIS IS SO UNFAIR”. Instead, I feel like I need to cheer people up, put on a brave face and continue to smile as I walk around the halls on the floor I’ve been stuck on for 26 days.
Yesterday I reached my limit.
I have cancer, it sucks. It’s not fair. Thankfully I’m not the worst case scenario, but it still sucks and it’s okay for me to complain about it. So that’s what I did yesterday. I accepted that I can complain about it. I’m pissed that I’m starting to feel side effects, that there’s this constant salty taste in my mouth, and my finger tips get pins and needles randomly, and I’m dizzy and tired. And sometimes my legs just go jello and want to give out. It sucks.
I hate that my body is what did this to me.
That’s a post I want to go into more detail about later, but to give you a brief explanation Leukemia is caused by a mutation your body does. I hate that my body made me sick, not some strange virus, or something villainous in my mind. Me. It’s like a love-hate battle. Because now my body is like, oh fuck we see what we did and we’re going to help you fix it with these new drugs and stuff we’re really sorry our bad, we promise not to fall asleep on the job next time. So I need to give my body a break and be like, okay body I forgive you but that was REALLY shitty of you – do I sound crazy yet? I had chemo today so my brain is kind of foggy.
Okay back to allowing yourself to do self-pity.
I’m working on it, I’ve never been good at being grumpy. And I hate letting people see me when I’m not smiling or chipper – but this really sucks. And some days I don’t want to be told to “be brave” or “be strong” – some days I just want to be held and told “I have you,” and yesterday that’s all I needed and just what I got.