c-wordPeople seem to confuse cancer with a personality transplant. I get that it’s this big scary, life threatening word, cancer, but no personality transplant has occurred, I’m still the same old me.

Well a lot more zen now, but still me.

I think, overwhelming, everyone has been pretty good with treating me normal – which is what I’m looking for. This isn’t my first bout with personal tragedy – we’re on like round four here (not including outside influences, just things that have happened to me) – I’m kind of a pro at being resilient.

Hell, after the shit I’ve been through and I still have the outlook I do – I’m good. Not to mention even my body fights shit – I know I keep saying it but my blood counts, when I came in, most people would’ve been dead if they were that low — I adjusted. I’m adjusting to this.

I haven’t gone through some major brain chemical change, people, it’s me. I’m still loud, speak my mind, and enjoy fucking with people. I don’t hold back as much, just because I don’t think anyone should, and I stopped planning. I’ve been a planner for so much of my life it’s kind of nice to wake up every day and just be.

What do you want to do today?

Write a post? shower? go for a stroll? I can’t plan for much in here so I’m just day by daying it and enjoying the slow pace – the slow pace I have a feeling I’ll be getting used to even outside of the hospital

My biggest qualm with the outside world is that people make my diagnosis about them. If I haven’t talked to you in a while, while I appreciate the love and support, please don’t make this about a new sad tragedy for you. My loved ones and I are battling this head on and it only frustrates me when people try to turn it around to their feelings on how I’m sick.

I don’t really care how you feel, and I don’t have to. I get to be as selfish as I have never been (because let’s be real it’s still a struggle to focus on myself while in here) and I don’t need your crap.

So keep your “oh my god my heart is aching for you, I can’t deal” to yourself.

Or I’ll sick my team of nurses on you.

And they really like me, so they probably won’t like you.

How to Talk to Me Now That I Have Cancer

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