I can’t decide if the days are flying by or not. So much has gone on that my head feels like it’s still reeling and I don’t know when it will calm down – probably will take a few months.
The hardest and craziest thing is that just 8 days ago I decided to go to the doctors – I thought I was out of shape, or just had a cold. Thank god they drew my blood, thank god I went. A lot has already changed and I can’t even leave the hospital. My hair (obviously), the dream job I was supposed to start this past Monday is gone, and my fertility future (a sore subject but one I’m warming up to) is unknown. So many things I’ve been planning for or just putting away in a “to think about” file are just not something that can be bothered with now.
The only thing that matters is beating this. Fighting this cancer and taking back my life, becoming independent again, being able to run again, not being afraid of eating at a fast food place (germs are a real issue in here) – I just want my life back.
It’s frustrating, I’ve been independent for so long and now I need a nurse to help me walk back from the shower because I got too dizzy – oh sorry wheel my back (I’m officially a “fall risk” – facepalm – ). All those things we take for granted that we can do by ourselves I’m not allowed to. I just want to have freedom again, I can not wait for the day when I take a long hot shower and not find myself dizzy with four nurses standing over me. I can not WAIT to be able to go outside, or to the movies, or really anywhere but the hospital. It’s all helping me hold the hope – that I’m going to get out of here and be better for it – somehow. Somehow this journey will touch someone, or let me be able to help someone
Everyone has been so incredibly supportive and sending so much love. But I think right now the most important thing to remember is that while this is a struggle for those who love me this is my journey, this is a battle only I can fight. And cheering me on from the sidelines is the perfect way to help me hold the hope on the days I’m feeling a little less than optimistic.
I got this, I’ve beaten shit before. I know I’m not alone in this journey, the outpouring of support has been so overwhelming – every new notification just surprises me that someone is thinking and sending their love – but this is something that I’m going through alone and something that no one else can imagine the thoughts, feelings, pain, I’m dealing with – so I ask that you respect that. This isn’t a joint journey through the land of cancer, this is my own Alice in Wonderland (post to come soon) adventure, I just ask that you all believe me when I tell you about the white rabbits.