I scored a job. Not just a job, THE job. The job that is equal to the one I lost out on when I was diagnosed and had to be confined to the hospital for a month.
To be honest, I’m still shocked I found a job where I get paid to work with bloggers – my people – in creative ways, learn about SEO, and work with some amazingly talented people. I know I’m qualified for this, and I know I’m going to do a kick-ass job, but after being out of work for over a year I find I’m having a hard time shaking impostor syndrome.
It’s not that I’m afraid I can’t do it, or won’t be able to keep up, I worry my medical gap year stripped me of my right to pick up where I left off. In some weird way, I feel like I should be paying dues again to be in this position. Like there’s some kind of cancer-to-work program I should’ve participated in before applying to jobs. I’m missing my certificate and gold stars saying I’m ready to move on – or maybe that’s what the YA support group I keep skipping is for.
Today, though, I fell into my groove. I accomplished work, I went to meetings, I stood up at my standing desk, I – dare I say – felt normal. Minus my chemo curl hairdo I was as normal as anyone who listens to Frozen at work is.
It’s hard to step out from behind the cancer sign that’s attached to me and remember that the old me is still around. I’m just as capable of everything I did before – well, for the most part, I don’t think I’ll be running anytime soon – it’s just easy to forget when I’ve been out of commission for so long. Thankfully, the cancer sign and being out of commission is ending now. I’m still in treatment (until August 2016 – but who’s counting?) but with my liver under control my appointments are winding down and my doctors are being more lenient – I’m able to have a real life.
I realize cancer will always be a part of my life; I wouldn’t have turned into a cancer blogger if I felt otherwise. But I’m starting to gain control again, and I have to say the power feels nice.