Sure, I’ve regaled you with my fight against chemo brain but I do not think I have yet to explain my new lack of filter because of it.
It’s not like I ever really had one to begin with – that may be part of the problem. But I’d like to think I had some sort of boundary established pre-chemo. Some sort of little switch that was flipped and sent my mind into alert mode to triple check the words that were coming out of my mouth.
Although maybe not.
Now, though, there is not flip to switch. Once my emotions start-a-rolling, there is no turning back. I’d like to blame the brain fog that is chemo brain but I feel that would be cheating the system, so I might as well own up to it.
The truth is once you stare death in the face and throw it the finger you start caring less what people think of you, and start caring more about yourself as a person. Not in an “I’m number one, all bow down” way, more in an “I’m a human being and deserve some semblance of respect” sort of way.
While I can preach until I’m blue it the face that I’m this stronger person so you should be too, It doesn’t always work out. I usually end up hitting my limit before I realize I took on too much water. By that time my filter brakes and everything comes out – oddly enough it never (ever) comes out as eloquent as I’d like it to be.
It’s not pretty when the filter is lifted.
Picture all of the things you regularly think in your head during the day, now imagine if those popped out into the open, right from your mouth. When I reach my limit that’s what happens. There is no think before I speak at that point, it’s a speak and then an “OH SHIT, WHY DID THAT JUST COME OUT OF MY MOUTH.”
Every time it happens I always promise myself that next time it won’t, next time I’ll button up and look down and not say a single word. And then next time comes, and the filter gets removed, and chaos ensues. It’s a rotten cycle.
I’m sure with practice I’ll be able to rebuild my filter. My chemo brain will subside, and my filter will rise like a phoenix from the ashes.
Or it won’t.