I sit here writing this while still having the smell of vomit up my nose, while still on hold for the mass health transportation to scheduled a ride to yet another appointment this week, and trying to ignore the pain in my fingers tips that comes from touching anything.
This cycle was supposed to be easy. I was in remission according to 2/3 of the tests, I was being treated as an out-patient, I was supposed to have less chemo since this wasn’t induction.
This cycle sucks.
I’m on at least six different types of chemotherapy, my appointments range from 3-6 hours – most of them ending in me being admitted, and I now have to give myself a shot daily – on top of the six pills, I take, which all contribute to my nonstop bowl movements. I’m told I don’t drink or eat enough – when I already eat non- stop but still am losing weight, that it’s okay to cry – but to have a positive outlook, that I should go out more – but make sure I’m resting and not in public places. I’m so confused, tired, and frustrated with everything that is happening.
Some nights I wake up in a sweat remembering the night I was first admitted into the hospital. I’m terrified every trip to the doctors is going to result in worse news even though they assure me I’m doing better. I don’t know where to go, what to do, who to depend on. I’m lost.
When I was in the hospital I didn’t have time to think, now all I do is think. This new cycle has made me terrified for the future, for the possibility of recurrence, for the potential of a bone marrow transplant, for the “what if I stop responding to treatment” … on top of emotionally feeling like I’m diving into quicksand I feel like crap 5 of the 7 days of the week. If it’s not the spins, then it’s throwing up, if it’s not throwing up then it’s pooping, if it’s not that then it’s body aches…it’s just never-ending. And just when I think it is I get to go in and have a needle stuck in my spine.
I’m so tired of not being in control of my life. I’m tired of people constantly asking me “How are you doing?” or “How are you feeling?” – I have cancer…how do you think? I’m angry that this happened when everything was falling into place, I’m nervous about being able to afford groceries and copays, I hate that I feel the need to put on a smile for everyone when all I want to do is cry – don’t get me wrong sometimes my smiles and laughs are real, but other times all I want to do is break down because I’m scared.
I know I have friends and family who care about me, but it’s so hard for any of them to understand what I’m going through and impossible for me to explain.